Now it might not sound like a big deal, I went to the salon and got my hair done. But here is the honest truth- I haven’t had it done since not long after the baby was born. I am pretty sure it has been at least a year. And you know what- It helped to propel my depression. I am going to be brutally honest about our lives here. My goal is always to help people in any way I can. And if telling my story can help someone, even to know they arent alone, I am willing to do it.
It has been a very rough year. If you don’t already know the details- we knew the baby had some type of hearing issues. We didn’t know how bad. So when she was 10 months old we took her in for testing. She was diagnosed with a profound hearing loss in her left ear and a severe loss in her right. The next morning my husband lost his job. He had offers for new jobs in a matter of days, unfortunately none of them paid as much, and the one that offered him the same amount- ended up not working out well and he is now making about 20k less a year. It is a struggle. We have spent the better part of our baby’s life dealing with money problems, tons of doctors appointments, speech appointments, audiology appointments, all while dealing with the drama going on with high school and having to take our teen out of school. It makes it a little difficult to stay happy through all of this. Not to mention my husband and I both losing a grandparent. Its been a little overwhelming. And I am here to help others so I will say. I have been so depressed. I have wanted to run away. I have days where I cannot keep myself together. Days I don’t want to get up. Days where I cannot find joy in anything in my life. And That is an awful feeling. I have two amazing and wonderful daughters that are my life. I have a great husband and friends and family that love me. But there are days where I want to crawl in a hole and die. Yes I have been medicated. And someday I will explain further why I found my happiness when I got off of them.
During tough times it is so hard to remember to take care of us. Its hard enough in our day to day lives, to remember to spend time on ourselves. Everyone tells you when you become a new mom to always remember you have to take care of yourself. I know I am not the only mom guilty of forgetting this advice. We put ourselves on the back burner. The kids come first, our significant other comes first. We spend so much time cooking, cleaning, running errands, packing lunches, doing laundry, and on and on that we forget to think of what we should do to make ourselves happy and healthy.
I have never been good at doing things for myself to begin with. I have always been this way and I am sure I always will be. I do not like to spend money on myself. I don’t like to spend time doing things for myself. I do for others. My mom will give me a gift card and tell me I have to at least spend half of it on myself. Because she knows I will never spend it all on myself. Again I know I am not alone in this. I am sure many of you get my point. I don’t even do well with sleeping in, and I never take time to nap, or be alone. And well considering we are struggling to pay our bills I am certainly not jumping at the chance to spend money on myself.
So yesterday (after finding an awesome Groupon deal) I went to the salon. I spent hours there. I got my hair cut and highlighted, and blown out. I spent time on me. And do you know what I did when I came home? I played with my baby girl. I had an awesome dinner that Zen daddy made. I snuggled with my baby and got to talk to miss J and enjoy what she had to say, as well as see her excitement when a friend surprised her and came by since she is home from college right now. Then- I went up and painted my nails before bed. All while I watched my favorite tv show. And guess what else I did? I went to bed happy. I woke up happy. Over the past week I have been trying to take steps to trying a little harder on me. I make sure I do my hair every day. I throw on a necklace and a bracelet. And the difference in myself is impressive. Even others are noticing. I have also tried to remind myself that there is nothing we cant get through. It may get even worse before it gets better, but worrying will not do any good what so ever. And I am slowly recovering. I say slowly. Some days are very difficult, some days I dream of packing up and disappearing. But I have asked for help, I have support, and I am taking steps towards being healthy. Physically and emotionally.
So mamas- I advise you, I beg you… Take time for yourself. Get your hair done. take a bath, read a book. Put on some mascara. Do whatever makes you happy. Because it is not a joke. If you do not take care of yourself you cannot continue to take care of others. You will crash and burn. And most importantly- if you need help. ASK! You are never alone. Ask a family member, a friend, a coworker, me. Just please please do not do it alone. We need support and love and it is out there. And when you have the chance to spend some time on yourself, do it. You will be surprised at how much better you will feel.